This is one of those posts that I’m writing more for myself than anyone else, so please feel free to skip over my whiney ramblings. To my shock, I have received quite a few emails lately from people who really enjoy when I vent about my weight gain frustrations, so this one’s for you lot!
So, as you will know from my constant
whinging updates, I have been cutting weight for my competition in nine days’ time. To quickly summarise my weight history:
– Spent the past year sitting between 70-72kg
– Went back on the birth control pill in March at 72kg, gained 5kg by July without making any changes to my diet or training regime
– Switched pills in July, but did not experience any weight loss
– Been dieting to some extent ever since, but failing to lose weight
I topped the scale at 77.8kg in July and managed to get down to 75.0kg just less than a month ago. The past two weeks I have been dieting at somewhat more of an extreme level (a further 500 calorie deficit to what I was already operating at, now at 2000 calories a day).
This morning, I went to the gym before I’d had breakfast or even a sip of water to get the most accurate reading… 76.5kg.
I will not lie: I got off the scale, rested my head in my hands and cried. The past two weeks have been extremely tough on me, and this was not what I needed to see. This quote I shared on Instagram the other day sums up my feelings exactly:
One thing I will point out is that I did my first full day of water loading yesterday, so my weight is probably a little messed up. I’m planning on loading until tomorrow night, then cutting water completely and weighing myself on Saturday – hopefully having lost at least a kilo to put my mind somewhat at ease. I also woke up feeling pretty lean and would have probably put money on the fact I had lost weight, hence why seeing that number affected me so much.
I am so angry at and frustrated with my body. Since I repaired my metabolism, I’ve always found it easy to lose weight quickly. When I’ve had holidays planned, I’ve been able to do a moderate four week “diet” and drop excess fat without any noticeable feelings of hunger.
This time, it seems nothing has worked. In the past two weeks, I’ve felt almost constantly hungry and irritable. I’ve tried doing high fat/low carb, and moderate carb/moderate fat, but my body has not responded to either. I’ve gone from doing no cardio whatsoever to cardio four times a week, which is making me even more tired.
Yesterday I was actually so hungry that I started shaking. Even though my stomach was full from all the water I was drinking, it was still making noises that could be heard across my office.
Mentally, this is not an easy state to put yourself in voluntarily. I know it is not healthy to constantly feel hungry, to think about food non-step, to check My Fitness Pal to make sure I can “fit” in dinner, or to be obsessed with the number on the scale. I have very little energy for my workouts, which means I’ve been living off black coffee and Pepsi Max as they are the only substances I can afford calorie-wise.
For those of you who have never had the pleasure to try it yourself, water loading is hell. Aside from having to take a toilet break every 20 minutes, it makes you nauseous and dizzy. My vision was actually blurring earlier but I can’t tell if that was from the water or diet!
This morning I was walking home from the gym, in tears and dragging arse because I hadn’t had breakfast, and then what felt like the final straw happened – the woman I had been most scared about competing against re-entered the competition after pulling out. It felt like all these things were a sign that I should just throw in the towel.
The thing that is the most frustrating is that I never expected to be in this position. When I talked about losing this weight months ago, I thought I would easily be at 72-73kg again by now. I am due to compete in the Under 70kg category in November but if I haven’t lost most of that weight in one month’s time, I’ll have to pull out. Doing a “fun” (i.e. not a qualifier or national level) competition is not worth it to put myself through this physical and mental torture!
It frustrates me because I do this for a living – I know how to make people lose weight and, up until this point, I have always been able to manipulate my own bodyweight. It seems like something is seriously wrong with me if I’m not losing weight while putting myself through hell.
I hate that I’m wasting time I should be spending on training and positive visualisation to stress about making weight, which is something I never thought I’d ever have to do.
I’m going to weigh myself on Saturday and make a final decision on what I need to do next week to lose the rest of the weight. Thank god I’m deloading next week so I don’t have to eat to support any activity, but I also don’t want to risk coming in completely carb-depleted on the day of the competition.
My initial plans for next week are to drop dairy and grains (as they cause water retention), cut sodium and do another round of water loading and cutting. For the past four months, I’ve been taking tetracycline for my skin. Antibiotics often encourage water retention, so I have stopped taking them as of today. I don’t really need to be on them anymore anyway, as my skin has mostly cleared up and it’s not healthy to be on this medication for too long.
I have lost weight easily on 2500 calories before, so the thought of going anywhere near 1500 is terrifying. I will not be touching anything other than standard bodybuilding food for the next 8 days!
Do you have any advice for me?