The awful truth

The awful truth

I try to keep my personal life off the blog as much as possible, but something serious has happened recently and people have started speculating. I don’t really want strangers knowing my business but there are also a lot of people I know in real life who read my blog, and it’s not exactly easy for me to spill the sordid details of my love life. I never wanted to write a post like this but I feel like I need to get the truth out there.

Rob obviously played a big part in my life and he was very present on this blog. Our marriage ended amicably. He did not cheat on me or abuse me, and we remain good friends. In fact, just last month I went to visit him in Berlin (where he is now living). He is also the one of the first people I turned to when the events of last week unfolded, which I will talk more about below.

I do not have a bad word to say about Rob and, out of respect for his privacy, I have no need to discuss our separation. There was no big scandal – we just drifted apart. He has been supportive of me from the day I met him and even now I know he would do anything to help me.

I have been seeing a man named Chris for six months, which I mentioned on Instagram. I have largely kept him off the blog as I didn’t want to discuss my love life publicly.

Some people picked up on the fact that I could not have been dating Chris for six months if I was still with Rob in March. Indeed. I didn’t mention the fact that Rob and I had separated until a few months later. When he left in December, we were unsure whether we were going to stay together but, if we wanted to both secure a visa in the UK, I obviously couldn’t start discussing that here. We eventually decided together that he would not return to the UK and I started dating Chris. At this time, I asked Rob to stop commenting on my blog.

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I met Chris at my gym last summer, but nothing happened romantically until I returned from Australia. Things between us moved very quickly. He placed a lot of pressure on me to commit. I was obviously hesitant as I was (am) going through a separation, but he said all the right things to make me change my mind.

We moved in together after four months of dating and were living in what felt like domestic bliss. He told me multiple times a day he wanted me to get divorced so I could marry him, he begged me to look at engagement rings with him, and asked me at least 20-30 times to come off the pill so we could have a baby. Obviously (and thankfully!) I repeatedly said no, as it was way too soon for all of that.

He came to my competition in April, competed alongside me in June and did all my events training with me to prepare for Saturday’s competition. He was incredibly supportive of me and I really, truly thought he was “the one”. He told me all the time he would never ever do anything to hurt me and often accused me of cheating on him, saying that it would kill him if I ever did.. can you see where this is going?

Last Sunday was our six month “anniversary”. We spent the whole night talking about our future, and him flying to Australia to meet my family and friends.

On Monday, I received an email from his ex-girlfriend. She told me that they had still been living together for the first three months of our relationship and, since we moved in together, he has texted her every single day and gone to her flat multiple times when he was supposed to be working. I met up with her two days before my comp to learn the full truth about everything.

Not only did he cheat on me from day one, but he also lied about money, drugs and criminal activities, to name a few.  The sly bastard had even told me his ex was a “crazy stalker” and would email me with a bunch of lies about him.

Even when I had his text messages sitting in front of me, he still continued to deny everything and tried to shift the blame on to everyone else. He still maintains that he never meant anything he said to her and wants to be with me forever. When he realised I wasn’t going to take him back with open arms, he started being abusive.

I cut off all my hair too - because that's what you do!

I cut off all my hair too – because that’s what you do!

As you can imagine, all this was not what I needed to happen a few days before my competition while I was eating less than 30 grams of carbs a day. Not only was I trying to deal with a betrayal and break-up, but I was also panicking about what was going to happen to our flat (we have nine months left of our tenancy and I can’t afford to live there on my own).

I felt like a complete idiot when I found out, to say the least. I was up all night during the week reading through old text messages and driving myself crazy about how he managed to pull off a double life. I didn’t do any work last week as I couldn’t stop crying and my confidence was shot to pieces. I’m very lucky to have friends around me who remind me that all this is a reflection of him, and not me.

All this happened and then I had to read that people thought I had dumped Rob for Chris and that Rob wasn’t man enough for me, or some bullshit. That made me cry even harder and I came very, very close to taking down my entire blog. But I figured writing a post – however difficult it would be – is a better alternative. Heck, if I didn’t have a blog she wouldn’t have been able to find me and I would still be living in the dark.

It was very, very difficult to compete in the state I did – hence why I’m so proud of myself. I was very tempted to just pull out but knew I would regret it if I gave up something I cared so much about for a stupid jerk. Even if I had come last I would have been proud for staying strong. I am also in awe that I managed to stick my ridiculous diet and water manipulation instead of drowning my sorrows in a bottle of wine and pint of ice cream.

Now I might just crawl in a hole for a little while until this all blows over.

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