Sorry for disappearing, but blogging is the last thing on my mind at the moment. Things have escalated in my personal life and I can barely concentrate on functioning, let alone trying to come up with informative posts. These posts are incredibly personal and I always feel hesitant to share them, but I have received so many emails from readers who appreciate me speaking openly, so I thought I’d best continue.
Last Monday, I saw Chris for what I thought was going to be the final time. We had come to an agreement with the flat and I asked him not to contact me again. While the following day was emotional, I then started to feel like myself again. I was somewhat happy, enjoying time with friends and feeling like my life was finally moving forward after two weeks of turmoil.
Saturday morning, I woke up feeling fantastic. I was excited for the weekend and I actually felt hungry for breakfast! That happiness lasted all of about 45 minutes, as he showed up at my flat and threatened me. Things escalated and I had to call the police and file a report. The whole situation is a complete mess and feels like something from Jerry Springer.
I am taking legal action against him, so I have to be careful what I say until the situation is resolved, but I am finally willing to admit that I have been in an abusive relationship. The police directed me towards this website, and I realised he’d done more than half the things on that list.
This has been going on for months now but reached another level when I found out about his cheating and lying and he realised he wasn’t going to get what he wanted. Somehow he manipulated and intimidated me into thinking I was the bad person and I found myself apologising to him. He is refusing to take responsibility for his actions and trying to deflect blame on everyone else. In the past few weeks, he has said some absolutely horrible things to me that would have once completely crushed my self-esteem. Thank goodness I am a stronger woman today than I was a few years ago.
I think when your whole life falls apart, it’s natural to try to cling on to a false hope that everything can be fixed and go back to normal. I was not ready to forgive him for what he did, but I was (stupidly!) willing to consider rebuilding some kind of relationship with him.
Deep down I knew the decision I had to make but it took me until last Monday, when he called me fat once again, that I snapped out of this fantasy world I’d been living in and realised I never wanted anything more to do with him. I looked into his eyes and realised not only how ugly he had become, but also how scared I was of this stranger in front of me.
That is not okay. I naively never expected to end up in an abusive relationship. It breaks my heart to think that I trusted and loved someone who is a complete monster. I may be physically strong, but I wasn’t mentally strong enough to leave him right away.
The law is on my side regarding the flat, so I am not worried about my living situation, but I am concerned for my safety. A male friend of mine has been staying with me since Saturday and, even with him there and my flat being under police surveillance, I keep waking up throughout the night in a sweaty panic that Chris has somehow broken into the flat and has come to hurt me.
This is an absolutely horrible feeling and, as you can imagine, my appetite has once again vanished. I feel constantly exhausted and drained, and I just want this nightmare to end.
My friends have been trying to get me out of the house as much as possible, but it is hard to pretend that everything is normal. I stupidly tried dating other people to take my mind off things but that just made me feel worse, so I won’t be trying that again for a while!
Training is actually the only thing keeping me sane and forcing me to eat regularly. I feel like there is no easy transition into writing about my workouts last week, but for the sake of normalcy I’m going to recap them anyway.
Monday – Squats
Back squats: 20kg x 10, 10, 40kg x 5, 60kg x 5, 70kg x 3 x 6
Paused squats: 60kg x 5 x 3
Straight-leg deadlifts: 40kg x 12, 50kg x 12 x 3
Pendlay rows: 40kg x 12 x 4
Low band rows: 8 x 4
Banded clams: 12 x 4 (per side)
This was my first time squatting heavy in a few weeks, and I still had DOMS on Saturday.
Tuesday – Pressing
Log press: 30kg x 5 x 8
Barbell push press: 20kg x 12, 30kg x 10, 35kg x 5, 40kg x 4 x 3
Bench press: 30kg x 5 x 8
Prone DB rows: 10kg x 12 x 4
Bar pushdowns: 35kg x 12 x 3
God, this workout was awful. I arrived at the gym in tears and spent most of the workout crying. I also decided that training on my own is probably not a good idea for a little while, as I spend too much time thinking about where I am and what has happened there. Thank goodness I’m in week one of my new periodisation cycle and therefore only had to work at 55 per cent of my max.
No training but I went partner dancing all night, which was so fun!
Thursday – Deadlifts
Deadlifts: 50kg x 8, 75kg x 3 x 8
Rack pulls: 100kg x 5 x 3
Seated cable rows: 50kg x 12 x 4
Narrow grip pulldowns: approx. 40kg x 12, 10, 45kg x 8, 6, 50kg x 4
Face pulls: approx. 20kg x 20 x 5
When I was on my fifth set of deadlifts, I ruptured a whole load of blood vessels in my left knee. They all bubbled to the surface and a bruise instantly appeared. Now my entire knee has gone black – I will spare you the pictures. It doesn’t hurt but I can’t believe I did something like that on a set of 75kg deadlifts! The shame.
Afterwards, Em and I had Wagamamas and it was glorious.
Friday – Pressing
Log press: 30kg x 3 x 8
Axle bar clean and press: 27kg x 5, 37kg x 5, 42kg x 3 x 3
Seated DB press: 11.5kg x 15, 12, 12, 12
Close grip bench press: 30kg x 10 x 4
Internal and external rotator cuff work
Standing cable crunches: 15 x 3
I was rushing through this workout as I was going out straight after, for yet more dancing! Dancing makes me even happier than lifting, so I’ve been doing a lot more of it lately – although trying to concentrate on actual choreography in Saturday’s class was difficult.
The good news is I have stopped drinking as it was just a short-term bandaid that wasn’t me at all! Except for Sunday brunch… where they may have been mojitos.
Thank you all for listening to my sad story. I do find it cathartic to write about what is going on, but please know that my blogging schedule may be sporadic for the next little while. If you are in a similar abusive situation, please seek help. Do not feel bad that it has happened to you and know that it is not your fault.